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Infertility often presents couples with the first major crises in their relationship. If you have experienced infertility in your life than it is probably not much of a stretch to say that it came a major shock.
In our current social climate, infertility is still very much a taboo topic of conversation, often leaving those who suffer with it to suffer in silence.
Since pregnancy is such a natural stage on life’s journey—and a couple’s relationship—when infertility strikes, it strikes hard, leaving you to deal with an array of emotions and reactions, including: surprise; denial; anger; isolation; guilt; grief, and sometimes; resolution.
Couples address these reactions alone and together. For some, tackling it together leads to a stronger relationship down the road. For others, the strain can simply be too much and the relationship falls apart.
Dealing with these reactions on a individual basis may help you realize that you’re not alone in your fears, and no matter how hard things are, what you’re feeling in not unusual or unnatural.
Your going along life’s merry way and suddenly you hear the word ‘infertility.’ It may seem unreasonable to deny the science, but it does take the mind and body time to adjust to this new reality.
You tell might yourself, “I don’t really want a child anyway,” but the truth is you do. Denial is a natural coping mechanism, and it’s important to recognize it as so.
Your going along life’s merry way and suddenly you hear the word ‘infertility.’ It may seem unreasonable to deny the science, but
Surprise is denial’s first cousin. The more you take fertility for granted (which most fertile couples do) the greater the shock and dismay when first learning of your infertility.
Perhaps you’ve used birth control for years before trying to get pregnant. You may even start calculating in your head how much money you’ve wasted buying contraceptives.
Everyone reacts to infertility differently. Some use their response to fuel proactive behavior. Perhaps you begin considering other methods like adoption or surrogacy. Other might fall into a deep depression. However you do it’s important to recognize the stages of grief so that you can eventually move on from this shock.
In cases of infertility, cases of anger can often be outward focussed. Perhaps you lash out at a doctor for his cold-hearted manner. Perhaps a well-meaning, but ignorant family member suggests you go on an Alaskan cruise to clear you year.
Irregardless of the trigger, you’re dealing with the anger stage.
Anger may appear rational, and you may feel guilty for your reaction afterward, but this is perfect normal phase of the grieving process. At this point it’s important to contact a counselor to deal with these issues so that they don’t escalate.
If this does not occur, frustration, mistrust and embarrassment can ensue, which can further aggravate the next reaction, isolation.
Tera & Tanisha – ANU Fertility Egg Donors
Because sexuality is equated with fertility, it can often make you and your partner feel alone. You might be too embarrassed to talk about how you feel leaving you vulnerable and insecure.
Isolation may also lead you to the indirect acceptance of advice, often inappropriate, or the use of alternative, scientifically unproven, non- medical options. isolation reaction also prevents the seeking of the support so badly needed by the couple.
Fertility education and contact with infertility support groups may be helpful to begin healing.
“Why do I feel guilty, I know I did nothing wrong?” It’s a question you may ask despite not being about the shed the feeling of guilde. Human emotions are complex machines and there isn’t one clear answer on why we feel the things we feel.
But guilt is common. Perhaps you’re partner is responsible for the infertility problems and you feel bad for them knowing they feel like they failed you.
Perhaps your you’ve framed your infertility into a cause/effect relationship i.e. failure of religious observance; premarital sex; abortion; unkind wishes and so on. Guilt is difficult to discuss and difficult to share.
Obviously, in reality there is no relationship between an individual’s worthiness and fertility!
Once some time passages and you’ve experience some (or all of these emotions) things will begin to settle down. Typically a state of resolution and acceptance happens and you’ll learn to cope with your fertility status and any medical procedures that are necessary to increase your fertility.
When considering psychological reactions arising from infertility, it should be remembered that:
Reactions differ among members of the couple and in different degrees and combinations. This can affect your communication with your partner and it should be monitored.
Your sex life may be affect as a result of bad communication which can further aggravate and affected relationship and a vicious circle sets in.
Medical treatment, frequent tests and visits to the doctor can add more stress in your relationship. It is important to work on keeping the relationship healthy so that when major decisions have to be made regarding treatment, you’ll be capable of making informed choices.
If all medical avenues have been exhausted you may eventually decided to choose a different direction entirely such as adoption or surrogacy. Only make this decision when you feel health enough. You never want to make an impulsive decision, something you may regret down the road. You’re not alone.
At the end of the people there are people who care about you and want to help you build a family, thankfully, infertility isn’t a last resort. It could be the beginning of a whole new adventure you never anticipated.
Ten Commandments for Dealing with Infertility
Helen Adrienne L.C.S.W.
These Ten Commandments are core coping advice for infertility couples.
1. Infertility is demanding. Keep your love for each other, not the technology, central to the quest for a baby!
2. Infertility can be all-consuming. Create an infertility-free zone! Fill it with joy!
3. The infertility struggle is all about waiting: waiting for your period, waiting for test results, waiting to heal physically or emotionally, waiting for a gamete donor or surrogate, waiting for the hCG surge for an insemination, waiting for fertilization in a petri dish, and the big one, the two week wait to find out if you are pregnant. Develop patience with and for each other and the process!
4. Cavemen needed to think negatively in order to survive. That DNA has come through the generations into us. Infertility intensifies the difficulty in seeing the positive. Team up and look for the blessing in the mess so you’re not trapped in negativity!
5. We tend to be most comfortable with sameness even though life is always changing. Some changes flow as part of a natural order. Infertility is not one of them. This unwelcome change comes out of the blue and feels violent. You can knee-jerk react to the ongoing changes inherent in infertility or you can learn to respond to the frustration and disappointments. Both of you need to take on this challenge as your response-ability!
6. It’s common to see our partner’s liabilities clearly while remaining sketchy about our own. It’s easy for stress to lead to the blame game. Even if one of you is the infertile one, remember that you’re in this together!
7. Every menstrual period represents another “death.” If you accept the reality, build awareness and seek ways to adapt, you get to grow as a couple. Transform grief and loss into empowerment!
8. Communication is key to a good relationship. Words can be the least effective means, especially if having the last word is your goal. Develop listening as an art form. Allow non-verbal behavior such as hugs to matter. Morph communication into commune-ication!
9. And then there’s sex. Medical treatment is intrusive. Your private parts are exposed to the glare of fluorescent lights. Sex on demand or ejaculating into a cup are requirements. With in vitro fertilization sex is unnecessary. These things can trump your heart’s involvement in your sexual connection. Find a way to accept lapses in desire and performance!
10. Under duress, disconnects in your style of being a couple will exaggerate. With so much at stake you can learn another way. Don’t be afraid to get help and gain from the pain!
Adapted from this article by Helen Adrienne L.C.S.W.
ANU isn’t the largest fertility consultancy in Canada. In fact, we limit the number of Surrogates, Egg Donors, & Parents-To-Be that we work with at any given time.
By doing this, we are able to focus much more intently on successfully connecting each set of Parents-To-Be with the perfect surrogate.
In fact, over 95% of our Parents-To-Be end up matching with a surrogate and having a baby.
This is the I AM; podcast hosted by Maria Szott and Jara Hallett. This is the show where we embrace meaningful conversations with incredible individuals making waves in the world through surrogacy & egg donation in Canada.
In each episode, we'll dive into some aspects of what it really means to be a part of the journey of growing a family ... all for the love of it!
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