The Emotional Side of Waiting in Surrogacy
One thing I say all the time is that surrogacy is a lot of hurry up and wait. In fact, I jokingly call it “Rush To Wait.”
There are moments when everything feels urgent. Screening, paperwork, appointments, medications, matching. Everyone is focused on getting to the next step and moving things forward, and then suddenly everything slows down again.
You wait for results, then legal, then a cycle, then transfer day. After transfer you wait for the pregnancy test, then a heartbeat, then an ultrasound, and eventually everyone is waiting for a baby. It can sometimes feel as though you spend an entire surrogacy journey waiting for whatever comes next.
One thing nobody really tells you is how emotional all of that waiting can be. We tend to focus on the big milestones when we talk about surrogacy, but there can be long stretches between those moments where there is very little anyone can actually do.
The funny thing is, most of us think we are patient people until we are forced to be patient. At least that has been my experience.
Waiting can also feel very different depending on where you are sitting in the journey. Intended parents may be wondering if this will finally be the step that brings them closer to their baby. A surrogate may be wondering if everything is progressing exactly as it should. Even when everything is going well, it is amazing how quickly our minds can get busy when there is nothing new to tell us.
I have seen this happen so many times over the years. Waiting creates empty space, and our brains are very good at filling it. Why have we not heard from the clinic yet? Did I miss an email? Should something have happened by now? Is it taking longer than it should? Before long, someone can convince themselves there is a problem when there really is not one at all.
Sometimes there is simply nothing new to report.
I think that can be especially difficult because we live in a world where we are used to getting answers almost immediately. We can track a package across the country, send a text in seconds, and find almost anything we want to know with a quick search. Then along comes surrogacy, where so much of the process simply refuses to be rushed.
Clinics need time. Legal takes time. Bodies need time. Pregnancies definitely take time, no matter how much everyone would occasionally like to fast-forward a few weeks.
One thing I have learned is that waiting does not mean nothing is happening. There may be people doing things behind the scenes that you never see. Sometimes the next step simply cannot happen until the one before it is finished. Once there is a pregnancy, an incredible amount is happening even on the days when there are no appointments, emails, results, or updates at all.
Then, somehow, the things everyone has been waiting for start happening. The transfer that felt so far away comes and goes, and suddenly you are waiting for the pregnancy test. Then the heartbeat. Then the next ultrasound. Weeks turn into months, and eventually everyone is waiting for the message or phone call that says it is time.
And after all of that waiting, there is a baby.
It is funny how often people look back at that point and wonder where the time went. The months that sometimes felt painfully slow suddenly seem to have passed incredibly quickly. The appointment that felt forever away is now a memory, and everyone has moved on to whatever came next.
So as hard as it can be, try not to wish every stage away while waiting for the next one. There is something happening in all of those in-between moments too. Some of it is exciting, some of it is nerve-racking, and some of it is honestly just waiting. That is part of a surrogacy journey too.
And if you ever figure out the secret to being completely patient through all of it, please let me know. I am still looking for mine.
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