You Cannot Micromanage a Relationship Into Growing

One thing I say a lot is that relationships need room to grow.

That applies to friendships, marriages, family relationships, and surrogacy relationships too.

Sometimes when people first match, there is a lot of excitement. Everyone is hopeful. Everyone wants things to go well. Then the questions start creeping in.

• Do they like me?
• Should we be texting more?
• Should we be closer by now?

Honestly, it can feel a little bit like a Tinder date. And that is completely normal.

The funny thing is that the more people try to control how a relationship develops, the harder it often becomes for that relationship to develop naturally. You cannot micromanage a relationship and expect it to grow.

One thing I have learned over the years is that some of the strongest surrogacy relationships are not the ones that felt perfect from day one. They are the ones where people stayed open, stayed curious, communicated when they needed to, and gave the relationship time to become whatever it was meant to be.

I always encourage people to go into a match with an open heart and an open mind

Do not go in trying to decide exactly what the relationship must look like six months from now or five years from now. Let it unfold a little.

Some intended parents and surrogates become lifelong friends. Some exchange holiday cards and occasional updates. Some stay closely connected throughout the pregnancy and naturally settle into a different rhythm afterward. There is no right or wrong outcome.

The healthiest relationships are usually the ones that are allowed to develop organically

I also think it is important to leave your baggage at the door.

We all have experiences that shape us. Past friendships. Family dynamics. Previous relationships. Sometimes even previous surrogacy journeys.

The challenge is not letting those experiences write the story before the new relationship has even had a chance to begin.

• Every intended parent is different.
• Every surrogate is different.
• Every donor is different.

Try to meet the person in front of you for who they are, not who someone else was.

Another thing I see quite often is people worrying that a quiet week means something is wrong.

Usually, it does not. Life gets busy.

People are working, raising children, running to appointments, making dinner, paying bills, and trying to keep up with everyday life. Not every delayed text message means a relationship is struggling. Not every busy week means someone cares less.

Sometimes it simply means life is happening. That does not mean communication is not important. It absolutely is.

• Ask questions.
• Clarify concerns.
• Talk things through.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming they know what someone else is thinking instead of simply asking. Written words can be tricky. Tone gets added where none was intended. Small misunderstandings can grow when nobody checks in.

Most things become much easier when people communicate openly and give each other a little grace.

One thing I have learned over the years is that relationships rarely grow in a straight line. There are periods where people feel incredibly connected and periods where life gets busy. There are moments that bring people closer and moments that require patience and understanding.

That is not a sign something is wrong. That is usually a sign that real people are involved.

A gentle closing thought

Some of the strongest relationships I have seen through surrogacy were never forced. They were never rushed. They were never carefully managed into existence.

They grew because people showed up, stayed open, communicated honestly, and allowed the relationship to develop naturally over time.

Go into a match with an open heart and an open mind.

The rest has a way of finding its own path.